Akatsuki Birthdays
by Perzona
Summary: Read how each of the Akatsuki members celebrate their birthdays. A collection of one shots. Rated T for cussing and possible gore. -Now continuing and rewriting the first few chapters-
1. Hidan's Birthday

**AN: **As I am struggling to come up with ideas with Sasori's birthday, I have decided to redo Hidan's birthday for the time being. If you have any ideas that you are willing to share, you're welcome to do so. I welcome your ideas and will consider using them in the next fic.

As this was written in the middle of the night, I apologize for any spelling, grammatical or structural mistakes. I have not proofread this story yet. Again, you are welcome to point out any errors. I welcome constructive criticism.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Akatsuki or the manga Naruto.

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Hidan woke up to find Kakuzu missing, a good start to a beautiful day. The purple haired man stretched his entire body, listening to the soft cracking sounds of his bones clicking back into place. Nothing was more comfortable than just lying on bed after a much needed good night's rest.

Before Hidan had this well-deserved day off, the Akatsuki leader had sent the immortal tag team on a back-to-back mission spree for the duration of an entire month. It consisted of a month of explosions, stabbings, killing, beheading, shoving bounties around, stealing and various other illegal activities. Of course, if they were not immortal, they would've died from the humongous workload and countless injuries. "That Leader just got fucked up in the head. This is slavery damn it."

A hectic month usually meant that they barely had time to do the essential activities of eating, sleeping, excreting and, for Hidan, praying. To make it up to his beloved deity, Hidan promised to devote the next few days of rest to worshiping Jashin. For the day, Kakuzu's absence was bliss. "Finally, a day where that asshole leaves me alone. I can finally get some rituals done in peace."

It was true that Hidan was not the brightest member in Akatsuki. His lack of planning and thinking ahead became even worse when he obtained his immortal body. But there was only one time Hidan would use his head for, and that was for his god.

On the journey back to the Akatsuki hideout the previous day, Hidan had actually planned and scheduled the intensive regime praying and conducting rituals. "I'm going to have to start now or Jashin-sama will send me to fucking hell."

The moment he got out of bed, Hidan headed straight towards the bathroom. It was a personal habit of his to get ready for his morning rituals by bathing himself for one hour. While he called it a 'cleansing ritual', Kakuzu called it 'a waste of fucking water, shampoo and time'. Hidan's retort to that was simple. "You're a fucking heathen. And a smelly, unhygienic old man."

Today, with Kakuzu out of the way, Hidan could finally bathe in peace without him banging on the door. Unfortunately, Hidan was wrong. In the middle of his bath, the bathroom door vibrated under the hard, continuous banging. Along with the thundering sounds of his fist, Kakuzu's loud and irritated voice came through the wooden door. "Hidan you bastard, stop spending money in the bathtub! Ever since you arrived, our water bill had gone up by a fucking fifty percent! Get your fucking ass out before I rip you into pieces!"

How that guy equated shampoo and water into money, Hidan would never understand. "Shut up you fucking asshole! Can't a guy take a fucking shower without you banging on the god damned door?! Keep your fucking mouth shut!"

"Do I sound like a give a fuck? Five minutes Hidan, that's all I'm giving you for your fucking bath. If I don't see your ass out here, I-"

As Kakuzu ranted on, Hidan began to tune him out. After being Kakuzu's partner for the past few years, this was something he became really good at.

It helped that Kakuzu would lose track of time once he began to shout at someone. After half an hour, Hidan emerged out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around him. Kakuzu was still yelling at the door even after Hidan came out. The only difference was that now his eyes were flowing the purple haired man as he went to change. "-you are wasting precious time, in addition to water! Do you have any idea how much the amount of water you use costs?!"

Hidan threw the white fluffy towel over his head. As he began to dry his hair, he finally answered: "I don't need to hear you about I used up the world's water supply. Kakuzu, be a nice dick and leave me alone for the whole fucking day. I have a schedule to follow. If I don't complete it, Jashin-sama is going to send me to the same place where you are going: hell."

At that moment in time, Kakuzu froze. Hidan turned around to face his partner when he realized that he wasn't retorting. He was almost surprised when Kakuzu stared at him with an expression that seemed like shock. "Hey, what's wrong with you?"

"… You have schedules?"

Hidan threw the white towel onto his bed. "Hey, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Okay, I don't use my brain much, but even I am capable of planning stuff! Don't look down on me damn it!"

"With your intellect, it's hard not to."

"Why you-!"

"I'm giving you two minutes to change into your clothes. Any later than that, I'll cut your fucking head off. If I remember… You have a huge bounty upon your head too. I wonder how much I'll get if I bring a live head to them."

As Hidan shot an entire dictionary's worth of swear words, the dark skinned man began to walk out of the room. He slammed the door behind him, causing Hidan to finally shut up. The purple haired man stomped his foot onto the ground angrily. "Fucking heathen. Just because he's lived for about a hundred years or so he thinks he's god. Go fuck yourself Kakuzu!"

Satisfied that he had vented his anger, Hidan then continued his routine activities. While he pulled his Akatsuki cloak over himself, he had already begun to recite the morning prayer. He then grabbed his rosary from the dressing table and began to kneel down onto the floor. "-so help me Jashin-sama, to smite all the heathens who do not believe in your-"

"Grr…"

A light shade of red formed on his cheeks. Hidan stopped in mid-prayer and his hand went to his protesting stomach. "Damn it, I can't pray to Jashin-sama with an empty stomach. My prayers require total silence. But I have to start my regime now or I'll-"

"GRR…"

Hidan surrendered. He stood up in frustration and growled: "Fine damn it. I'll eat! Curse my worldly needs!"

He kicked the bedroom door open and made his way into the dining room, where almost all the Akatsuki members were. As he made his appearance to his fellow members, only a few greeted him. Hidan simply acknowledged the few greetings with a 'Hey' and went over to his seat. He had only just settled down between Deidara and Kisame when Tobi hopped over to him. "Good morning Hidan-san! What would you like to eat?"

Hidan stared at the orange masked man. "Who's doing the cooking today Tobi?"

"Tobi is!"

That was good enough reason to ask for pancakes, the simplest (and only dish) Tobi could cook. "I'll just get a stack of pancakes."

"Okay! Super special pancakes, coming right up!"

As Tobi skipped over to the kitchen, Hidan decided to take a look around. It had been a month since he saw the other members. But one glance told him that nothing had changed in his absence.

Kisame was still wolfing down his pancakes at an alarming rate. A few plates were already stacked beside him, covered in a thin layer of golden maple syrup and a few crumbs from the golden brown pancakes. As expected of the Akatsuki Eating Champion (self proclaimed). Beside Kisame was a standing newspaper, which undoubtedly was Itachi. Sure enough, Hidan caught a glimpse of the handsome man as he tilted the newspaper slightly to turn its page.

On the more active side of the table, Deidara was busy trying to take some food out Kakuzu's plate. It was a good move, since Kakuzu was attracted to the huge stack of money on the table and his abacus. "What is that guy, a fossil? He needs a calculator."

Hidan glanced around the entire dining room. It would seem that Zetsu, Sasori, Konan and Pein were missing. However, that was perfectly normal. Zetsu had need for more… nutritious food than normal people. Hidan had to quickly turn his thoughts to Konan to prevent himself from retching. The beautiful blue haired woman was probably on a mission, again. "I hardly see her around here anyway."

The fact that Sasori was a puppet was self-explanatory. He had no need for things essential to a living, growing human. Not that he wasn't alive. "How does that guy survive anyway?"

Lastly, there was Pein. He was the only other person Hidan would consider a god. To be able to demand fear and respect from S ranked criminals says a lot about his ability. "I'll bet that guy doesn't need food anyway."

The aroma of pancakes brought Hidan back to the present. He was almost delighted to see a stack of perfectly cooked pancakes being set before him. Tobi clapped his hands together and said: "There you go Hidan-san! Enjoy your breakfast!"

Hidan didn't bother to say thank you. He had a schedule to follow. As he reached out for the maple syrup on the table, Tobi suddenly said: "Oh, I almost forgot Hidan-san! Ha-!"

"NO TOBI!"

A blur of yellow, red and black dashed across the table, spilling the maple syrup, jam and melted butter all over the table. Hidan's outstretched hand was covered in all three toppings.

Great.

Deidara seemed oblivious to his surroundings as he strangled Tobi with all his might. "What the hell are you trying to do?! Do you want to spoil everything yeah?!"

"S-Senpai... T-Tobi can't…"

"HUH? What was that yeah?!"

"Tobi can't… b-breathe!"

Kisame was the only member watching the scene. There was no need to lift a finger to help Tobi. After all, Tobi was just as indestructible as Hidan. Amidst the chaos, Hidan's rage was growing. He gave Tobi a frustrated look and growled: "Huh, what? Tobi what do you want to say to me? It'd better be important for you to fuck up my breakfast."

The two men fell into silence at once. None of them noticed the malice in Hidan's tone. They were too eager to cover the damage Tobi had done. Deidara quickly answered: "Tobi wants to say nothing, right Tobi, yeah?"

Tobi nodded vigorously in reply. He then pointed vigorously to his throat where Deidara's hands were clamped around. As Hidan ignored the two of them and began to clean his hand, the blonde haired man let go of Tobi. He pulled Tobi out of the kitchen by his collar and swung an arm around his neck. Deidara pulled Tobi close to him and hissed: "It's supposed to be a secret Tobi! Keep your mouth shut, yeah!"

"Yes, Deidara-senpai. Tobi will keep it a secret, because Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi whispered back.

Then, both men poked their heads at the door leading back into the dining room. They stared as Hidan as he ate his pancakes. "Do you think he suspects something yeah?"

Tobi shook his head. "I don't think so Senpai. We're safe!"

Deidara pulled Tobi back and whispered: "You'd better keep your mouth shut, understand yeah?"

Tobi raised his hand into a salute. "Yes Deidara-senpai!"

After breakfast, Hidan continued doing his daily rituals. He had a lot more to do. He had fifteen prayers, five rituals and maybe a virgin sacrifice to complete the day. Although it was still not enough, time constraints limited his ability to do more.

Once he had completed about three long prayers, Hidan then prepared himself for the blood ritual. He buttoned the top half of his Akatsuki cloak, revealing his bare, muscular chest. Hidan grabbed a wooden pike lying against his bed and help the pointed end towards his chest. Usually, he needed to draw Jashin's symbol onto the ground. But for the sake of sparing himself from Kakuzu's yelling, Hidan decided to extend the ritual's duration as compensation.

Just as he was about to drive the pike through his chest, the bedroom door swung open. Kakuzu entered and ordered: "Hidan, stay in this room until I say so, understand-?"

Both men stared at each another for a long time. Kakuzu's eyes went from the pike in Hidan's hand to Hidan, then back to the pike again. Hidan simply continued to stare into Kakuzu's eyes. Why wasn't he saying anything? A quiet Kakuzu was way freakier than a swearing one. Then, "Are you committing suicide?"

Hidan exploded. "What the hell are you talking about you fucking idiot? Can't you see I'm in the middle of a fucking ritual, asshole?! I do it every time after I kill someone! What are you, senile or something?!"

Kakuzu's expression turned into one of slight disappointment. "So… You're not committing suicide. Pity. I wanted to offer my assistance as a parting gift."

"Why would I want to commit suicide you dickhead?!"

"I thought you've finally realized what was useless person you are. It's truly a shame you have not received enlightenment."

"I have received way more enlightenment than you or any of the other fucking heathens in this world! What the fuck do you want anyway, I'm busy!"

As much as Kakuzu enjoyed seeing the frustrated look on Hidan's face, he decided that it would be far more important to get his message across. "Stay in this room until I ask you to come out. You can do that much, can you?"

"Does it look like I'm getting out anytime soon? Now get the fuck out of my room, I have work to do!"

The door closed with a satisfying slam. Hidan cussed Kakuzu for a few more seconds before turning back to his pike. Admittedly, Hidan was curious about the sudden secrecy. Why did he have to stay in his room for the day? Regardless, he had a lot of work to do. Gripping the pike tightly in both hands, he began his ritual.

Hidan proceeded to complete nine more prayers and three more rituals. Just as he was about to kneel down in prayer again, the door swung open. Kakuzu burst into the room and said: "Okay, you can come out now."

Hidan looked up from his kneeling position. Frustration overwhelmed him as he laid eyes on his Akatsuki partner. He had never been less pleased to see him. "Hey stupid, I thought I told you not to interfere with my rituals! I have only two more hours before the day ends! I have a quota to meet damn it!"

Kakuzu was itching to just slice off Hidan's head in just one move. But he knew he had to hold back his anger just for the day. "Stop your stupid ritual for awhile and come out. There's something for you to see."

That caught Hidan's attention. Kakuzu had never shown anything to him before. Hidan's bright red eyes flickered to his rosary and then to Kakuzu. Curiosity got the better of him and he stood up. "This better be important."

Hidan followed Kakuzu out of the room. As he stared at the older man's back, many things were running through Hidan's mind. What could Kakuzu want to show him? Was the Akatsuki leader calling them? Was there a new weapon? Or was Kakuzu going to lead him to a trap for the heck of it? But all those ideas vanished when the two men stepped into the dining room. "What's up in the dining room?"

The first thing Hidan noticed about the room was that it was pitch black. "Who turned off the lights?"

Almost immediately after he said that, the lights came back on. The first thing that caught his eye was a large brown birthday cake. Beautiful white cream and rainbow rice topped the cake's brown exterior. Right in the center of the cake were the words: 'Happy Birthday Hidan' written in white frosting. Jashin's symbol of a triangle in a circle was drawn above the words. Hidan felt a mixture of emotions that he had never felt before, which included surprise and happiness. "What the-"

"Happy birthday Hidan!"

The purple haired man nearly crashed into the floor when Tobi jumped onto his back. As Hidan struggled to support his weight, he shouted: "Get off me you stupid bastard! What the hell is going on here?!"

He received a few strong pats on his shoulder. Hidan turned to face Kisame, who was grinning. "Language Hidan, language. Do you really want to say that kind of stuff on your birthday?"

"Yeah, especially when Tobi and I planned this for you yeah."

Hidan turned to face Deidara, who was grinning from ear to ear. He couldn't help but ask: "Y-You guys did all these… for me? But how did you know my birthday Deidara?"

The blonde was very happy to reply. "Well, danna and I did some research, yeah."

Sasori shot Deidara a dirty look upon hearing that. With that, Deidara quickly amended his explanation: "I mean, I did the research. I went to look for your profile at the Akatsuki database and I saw your birthdate. So, I thought that maybe we could celebrate for you yeah."

As much as Hidan was annoyed that the fact that the blonde had accessed his private information, Hidan decided to let it slide. After all, he was the one who planned out the birthday party for him.

Hidan couldn't remember the last time he was asked to blow out the candles of his birthday cake. Heck, he couldn't even remember the last time he celebrated it. The laughter of his fellow Akatsuki members, the birthday wish, the blowing out of candles on his birthday cake; all these were small, happy things that he had almost forgotten. It was a night of joy and nostalgia.

Hidan was surprised to see a whole stack of presents. Every single Akatsuki member, including Konan, actually gave him a birthday gift. As the rest of the Akatsuki ate their slices of cake and chatted, Deidara and Tobi sat next to Hidan. Tobi bounced up and down on his chair, crying out: "It's time to open your presents Hidan! Open them, open them!"

Deidara nodded in agreement and pushed a small package in front of Hidan. "Here, open Itachi's present first!"

Hidan tore open wrapping after wrapping to uncover the hidden gifts. He received a bible from Itachi, much to his disappointment. Kakuzu provided him a sharper spear to make his blood-offering ritual easier, although Hidan actually had doubts on Kakuzu's true intentions for buying it. Deidara then shoved his present in front of Hidan's face, badgering him to open it. As Hidan opened the wrappings, he had no idea that Deidara was slowly moving backwards.

Hidan pushed the wrappings aside to find a hardened clay statue of himself in intricate detail. It was amazing. Hidan leaned closer to take a look. The features of his face, the Jashin symbol he wore around his neck, the detail of his hair and the folds of his clothing were perfect. It was indeed an exact replica of Hidan. "Wow. Deidara, you're amazing."

Just as Hidan was about to reach out to touch it, Tobi suddenly commented: "I wonder if Deidara-senpai uses normal clay or explosive clay to make this."

That caused an alarm bell to ring in Hidan's head. "What?"

The small clay sculpture blew up in Hidan 's face, sending large fragments of hardened clay everywhere, especially Hidan's face. The room turned deadly silent as every Akatsuki member turned to stare at Hidan. Some of their eyes widened when they saw Hidan's bloodied face. Were he not used to pain, Hidan would've groaned out loud in agony.

The slamming of the door in the distant brought Hidan back to life. "DEIDARA, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! YOU ARE DEAD!"

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R&R please? With a cherry on top?


	2. Kakuzu's Birthday

Thanks for the reviews. Now, we have Kakuzu's birthday!!

Disclaim: I don't own Naruto.

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"HIDAN!! How long do you take to finish taking your fucking bath?!" Kakuzu yelled, banging the bathroom door.

"Shut up! Must I repeat this every morning you fucking asshole? I must be clean then I can present myself to Jashin-sama you idiot! Now shut your fucking mouth up you fucking bastard!" Hidan shouted in reply.

Kakuzu went to sit in his bed and count his money. At the same time, he was wondering what he should do to Hidan after he stepped out of the bathroom.

"Chopping off his limbs and head should be a good idea. But the blood from that idiot will ruin the carpet. Then I'll need a lot of money to wash that stupid blood of his off." Kakuzu thought to himself.

After some thinking, Kakuzu decided to carry the head cutting operation outside the room. Just then, Hidan stepped out of the bathroom with his towel wrapped around him.

"Now its time to do it." Kakuzu said to himself.

He grabbed a shuriken and stood up from his own bed, advancing towards Hidan.

"Tobi is going to be late! Everyone must be waiting for breakfast now!" Tobi thought to himself.

Tobi quickly watered the plants in the greenhouse and rushed to the hideout to prepare breakfast. As he passed by the living room, Tobi could hear someone shout: "Hey! Some fucking idiot, help me out here!!"

Tobi looked under the sofa and almost screamed.

"What?! Never seen my head before? Help me out here you son of a bitch!" Hidan yelled at Tobi.

"Y-yes s-sir." Tobi stammered.

Tobi took Hidan's head from below the sofa and carried it to the kitchen. There, Deidara was getting hungry and when he saw Tobi, he shouted: "Tobi! What took you so long, yeah?! I'm starving here you- Hidan? Where is your body? What's your head doing here, yeah?"

"That fucking stupid Kakuzu cut off my head. Someone bring me to him and get him to fix my fucking head back!" Hidan yelled.

"Not in your lifetime Hidan." Kakuzu calmly replied, taking a seat at the table.

"Kakuzu you dumbass, fix my fucking head back to my fucking body!"

"I think not Hidan. I prefer your head to your body."

"Why you fucking bastard! I can't stay like this for the entire day!"

"Then get used to it. Cause you're going to stay like this forever."

"What's with the racket?" Kisame asked, stepping into the dining room with Itachi behind him.

"Are you blind you jackass? Can't you see my body is gone?!" Hidan snapped angrily at him.

"Why did you bring his head Kakuzu? You should've left it in the room and brought his body instead." Zetsu told him, taking a seat.

"Why you piece of-"

"That's enough the two of you. Fix Hidan's head Kakuzu; I have a mission for the both of you. Meet me after breakfast." Leader-sama instructed them.

"Yes sir." Kakuzu replied.

"So fast? Leader-sama can't you give them a mission another time? Kakuzu's birthday is tomorrow, yeah!" Deidara exclaimed.

"You! Who told you my birth date you stupid brat!"

"It's in your diary Kakuzu-san!"

"Why you little-"

"Enough fighting. Kakuzu is going on a mission with Hidan. That's final." Leader-sama said.

Throughout breakfast, everyone except Leader-sama (he went to his room to eat breakfast) had to put up with Hidan's swearing. Tobi had to constantly feed Hidan his breakfast and always jumped when Hidan made any sudden movements.

"Maybe cutting his head off was a bad idea after all." Kakuzu thought to himself.

After breakfast, poor Tobi had to carry Hidan's head to his room so that Kakuzu could fix his head back on.

"Finally. It's about time you stupid asshole." Hidan snapped at him.

"Shut up. I'm only fixing your head back because Leader-sama ordered me to do so. Otherwise you'll remain like this for all eternity." Kakuzu replied, putting Hidan's head back on.

After the operation, the two men went to Leader-sama's room for a briefing on their mission. Hidan knocked onto the Leader's door and heard him say: "Come in the two of you."

Kakuzu pushed Hidan into the dark room and stood before the leader's desk. The Akatsuki leader wasted no time in telling them their mission.

"The two of you are going to the Tea Country to capture two bounties, each worth about 100 million per head. Kakuzu, you should know how low the Akatsuki funds is by now, we need these two bounties to ensure that there is enough money for us. If you wish to celebrate your birthday in the hideout, I suggest you finish the mission quickly." Leader-sama explained.

"I have no intention of celebrating." Kakuzu replied.

"Very well. But I still need the two of you to finish the mission as fast as possible. Understand?"

"Yes sir." Hidan replied.

The two men rushed to the Tea Country immediately after lunch. While traveling through the forest, Hidan asked: "Why is it called Tea Country anyway? Do those fucking people even serve tea?"

"Of course you dumbass. Man, these people are extremely lousy in naming things." Kakuzu replied.

The two ninja managed to enter a village before nightfall but they couldn't rest yet. Kakuzu needs to search for a good and cheap inn to stay before they can rest. The two missing ninjas wondered around the streets for hours until Kakuzu was satisfied with an inn. They entered the inn and were greeted by a young lady in a kimono.

"Good evening gentlemen, how many I help you?" she asked them.

"The two of us need a room with two separate beds." Hidan told the woman.

"May I have your names please?"

"Yamato Ichigo and Ukitake Akira."

"Okay. Gentlemen, please follow me to your room."

The lady in the kimono led the two ninjas to a door at the very end of the corridor and said: "This will be your room. Dinner will be served shortly. If you have any problems with your room, please do not hesitate to tell me."

Kakuzu pushed the door open and began unpacking his items. Hidan turned on the television and began watching a documentary on churches. After unpacking his stuff, Kakuzu took out the mission scroll Leader-sama gave him and began reading it.

"The two targets were spotted at a mountain nearby this area. Their hideout must be there." Kakuzu told Hidan.

"Then when do you want to fight them?" Hidan asked.

"Tomorrow at noon. Any rituals that you would like to do do them in the morning. We cannot have any delays like the rest of the missions we had."

"Unlike you, I'm loyal to Jashin-sama, bastard. After dinner, I'm going to find a virgin sacrifice for Jashin-sama so I'll be back late."

After Hidan left the room, Kakuzu smiled. Finally, he can have some quiet time counting his precious money.

"Kakuzu you fucking bastard, look out!" Hidan yelled, blocking another attack from the ninja.

Kakuzu dodged a shuriken thrown at him and began forming seals to form a jutsu.

"Damn… No wonder these bounties are worth 100 million apiece, they are tough, real tough." Kakuzu thought to himself.

The attack hit the enemy but unfortunately, Kakuzu hit a clone.

"Shoot!"

"Kakuzu! Look out you dumbass!" Hidan shouted towards his partner.

But it was too late. Needles pierced Kakuzu's back and he yelled. Hidan took down his enemy and began fighting the other. Kakuzu plucked one of the needles out and found the tip covered with purple stuff.

"Damn it. These needles are covered with poison!" Kakuzu told his partner.

"Hold still. The poison will spread if you move a single muscle. I'll take this guy down." Hidan replied.

Kakuzu followed Hidan's advice and sat down, but it was no use. The poison was still spreading even though Kakuzu wasn't moving. He took one last look at Hidan and blacked out.

"Kakuzu-san, wake up! Don't scare Tobi!"

Kakuzu opened his eyes and looked around. He was resting in his own room with Tobi right beside him.

"How did I get here? Where's Hidan?" he asked Tobi.

"Zetsu-san was passing by when he saw Hidan-san and you. He picked you up and brought you to the hideout. Sasori-san prepared an antidote for you and here you are, resting in your bed." Tobi explained.

"What about Hidan and the ninjas?"

"Hidan-san already cashed them in and received 200 million. He is now doing a ritual for Jashin-sama."

Kakuzu smirked. He didn't know that Hidan could take out the two ninjas by himself.

"By the way Kakuzu-san, Hidan-san left a present for you." Tobi informed him.

Kakuzu stared at the package at his feet. He picked it up and unwrapped the present; it was a calculator. Beside it was a note from Hidan, it read:

Take care of yourself and get plenty of rest.

This calculator is for you, money boy.

Happy Birthday.

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ShadowTamerz: Aww… what a sweet present…

Kakuzu: What the hell! You make me sound weak you stupid author!

ShadowTamerz: Hey, you lived. Good for you. Now go and rest, money boy.

_Pushes Kakuzu out and locks the door. _

ShadowTamerz: Next, we have Kisame!! Review please!!


	3. Kisame's Birthday

Mmm… After hours of thinking, I finally had something for Kisame. Enjoy!

Disclaim: I don't own Naruto

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"Kisame-san, wake up! Breakfast is ready and it's a really special day today for you, yeah!" Deidara yelled into Kisame's ear.

Kisame took the shuriken he kept beside him in bed and threw it at the blonde ninja. Deidara quickly dodged and jumped away from the angry Kisame.

"Shut up you stupid brat. I don't need a wake up call from you." Kisame snapped at Deidara.

"It's already 9:00am in the morning Kisame-san. Tobi already prepared breakfast half an hour ago. Besides, it is an extremely special day for you, yeah!" Deidara replied.

Kisame scratched his head; he couldn't remember having any special events this month. There aren't any holidays either, so what is the special day Deidara was talking about? But Kisame refrained from asking and pushed the explosion master out the door so that he can wash up.

"Don't go back to sleep Kisame-san! You better come from breakfast otherwise I'll blow your door up!" Deidara warned Kisame before the door closed.

Even though Kisame didn't take Deidara's warning seriously, he still washed up quickly, grabbed his Akatsuki cloak and ran out of his room. When he stepped into the kitchen, Kisame saw that everyone except Leader-sama was there already. As he sat down next to Itachi, who was reading the newspaper, Tobi placed a plate full of pancakes before him.

"Kisame-san, is there any place you would like to go today? It is a special day for you after all." Tobi asked him.

"Yeah, Kisame. Leader-sama was kind enough to let us all take the day off to celebrate with you." Zetsu told him.

Now Kisame was getting angry. What is this special day that everyone knows except him? What does today have to do with him anyway?

"Hey Kisame-"

"SHUT UP HIDAN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU TODAY? WHAT IS THIS 'SPECIAL DAY' ANYWAY?!" Kisame shouted at everyone.

The rest of the Akatsuki remained silent for an extremely long time until Sasori broke the silence by clearing his throat and said: "Kisame, did you forget? It's your birthday today."

Kisame frowned; he was so busy with the Akatsuki, he even forgot his own birthday.

"Kisame, are you okay? Are you getting memory loss?" Kakuzu asked him.

"No. I just forgot that's all." Kisame growled.

"So Kisame, where would you like to go to celebrate your birthday?" Hidan asked him.

"I don't need any celebrating."

"Yes, you do! All of us purposely completed our missions quickly just to celebrate with you. Just pick a place, any place!" Deidara told him.

Kisame thought for awhile and said: "Well, there is this one place I would like to go. But I don't think you all would like to follow."

"Why, is it dangerous? Nothing is too dangerous for the Akatsuki." Zetsu said.

"And make sure it doesn't use up a lot of money. We'll become broke if you choose an expensive restaurant to celebrate." Kakuzu warned Kisame.

"Oh no, it isn't a restaurant Kakuzu. It won't be expensive if everyone brings their own money." Kisame assured him.

"Really? Then where is this place? Bring us there now." Sasori said.

By looking at Kisame's expression, Itachi knew that something bad is going to happen.

Itachi still couldn't believe that he agreed to follow everyone to the place Kisame wished to go. He still couldn't understand why Kisame, an Akatsuki member, a powerful swordsman who killed many people, a person who is a wanted S ranked criminal, whose name appeared in many bingo books, wants to come to Underwater World.

"Itachi, you don't look so good. Are you sick?" Zetsu asked him.

Itachi shook his head and looked around. Deidara was dragging Sasori to see each type of fish in the fish tanks, Kisame and Tobi were staring at the fishes, Hidan and Kakuzu were arguing over some useless topic. For today, the six men were dressed in normal clothing and Kisame and Zetsu used a jutsu to change their appearance. Out of the hundreds of people here, no one could guess that S ranked criminals were among them today.

"I'm still quite surprised that Kisame wants to come here. I guess it's because he wanted to make more fish friends." Zetsu told Itachi.

The sharingan user felt his blood boil upon hearing Zetsu's words. If that is the main reason for dragging him here, Itachi will turn Kisame into soup. Before looking at the fishes in the aquarium, Itachi looked around to see if there were any fan girls here. Sure enough, a girl quickly hid behind a pillar when she met his eyes. The Uchiha groaned; Kisame was definitely going to become soup.

Throughout the entire day, Kisame dragged the entire group several rounds around the place before going to the souvenir shop, where the exit is. The group bought presents for Kisame there and Kisame made Itachi buy him a shark plushie for his birthday present. At 9pm at night, the group finally returned back to the hideout and had dinner together.

"This is the best day ever right danna?" Deidara asked Sasori.

Sasori just grunted and rested his head on the table. After running from place to place with Deidara pulling him, he was extremely exhausted. While Kisame, Zetsu, Hidan and Kakuzu were playing cards, Itachi sat alone to think about how he should take his revenge on Kisame for making him run around with his fan girls trying to touch him. Finally, he thought of an idea and mentioned Tobi to come over and whispered a few words to him.

"Are you sure you want to do this Itachi-san?" Tobi asked him.

"Yeah, I do. Now go." Itachi hissed at him.

While Kisame was playing cards, he felt someone tap on his shoulder.

"What is it Tobi?" he asked, turning around to face him.

"Tobi just wants to give you a snack. Happy birthday Kisame-san." Tobi told him.

"Thanks." Kisame growled, taking the plate from Tobi.

After taking a bite into his sandwich, he asked: "Hey, this is good Tobi. What's inside?"

"Oh, erm… Just the usual, vegetables, bread and er... fish." Tobi replied.

Kisame quickly put a hand over his mouth and ran to the toilet to vomit the sandwich out. Itachi walked towards his room, locked the door and laughed out loud.

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ShadowTamerz: Looks like a fun day to me.

Kisame: Yeah, it is until you made me eat fish!

ShadowTamerz: Well, look on the bright side Kisame! You get to celebrate at the place you want and you got lots of presents.

Kisame: I don't care! Do you have any idea how long it takes for my diarrhoea to clear off?! I'll kill you for this!

ShadowTamerz: Next, we'll have Itachi! Please review cause I ain't continuing until I get 10 reviews! But I doubt I'll get any anyway.

Kisame: Thats right, cause there won't be a next for you, you stupid author!

_Runs away_ _with Kisame chasing from behind. _


	4. Itachi's Birthday

Sorry for not updating! I was too busy with other stories. Sad… I didn't get my 10 reviews. Oh well… I shall continue anyways…

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"Itachi, you and Kisame shall be sent to Konoha do to some more research on the Jinchuuriki: Uzumaki Naruto." Leader-sama told the Uchiha.

"NOOO!!! Leader-sama, it is Itachi's birthday in a today! How can you send him to missions just like what you did to Kakuzu, yeah?" Deidara yelled. (See chapter 2)

"I'm sorry Deidara, but the Akatsuki affairs always come first." Leader-sama replied.

"Damn it! And I have been preparing the ideas for weeks, yeah!" Deidara muttered, sitting in a chair next to Sasori.

"I have no need of celebrating Deidara." Itachi told the blonde ninja.

"Hey, you've still gotta give him credit for trying to come up with ideas, Itachi." Kisame said.

Itachi just grunted and went back to reading the newspaper. It was just another day at the Akatsuki hideout, eating lunch, reading newspapers and having Leader-sama assign you missions.

"Sir, when do we have to leave?" Kisame asked the Akatsuki leader.

"If possible, after lunch. Konoha is a few hours walk from here and I need you to reach there before dark." The leader replied.

"I see. Kisame, are you done?" Itachi asked the shark man.

"Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go pack." Kisame answered.

The two men quickly finished packing within 10 minutes and left the hideout immediately. As usual, the two men kept quiet as they jumped from tree to tree, branch to branch.

"Hey Itachi?"

"Hmm?"

"How do you wanna celebrate your birthday?"

"Like I said to Deidara back in the hideout, I have no need for celebrating."

"You didn't celebrate your birthday for years. At least celebrate this year."

"That's enough Kisame. Konoha is just ahead, let's go."

Sure enough, the gates of Konoha came into view and the two Akatsuki members jumped down from the tree. Both men put on their hats and walked through the gate. Itachi looked around and saw that the Konoha he knew before he left was still the same, only that the entire Uchiha clan was gone except for Sasuke, his little brother.

"I wonder what became of that brat anyway…" Itachi thought to himself.

Kisame followed Itachi down the busy streets of Konoha and they entered an inn. The man at the counter looked up and said: "Good evening sirs. May I have your names please?"

"Hamano Fuji and Shurizu Haruko." Kisame replied.

The man recorded their names down and grabbed a key at the counter before leading the two men to their rooms. Itachi and Kisame followed the man up to the second floor and stopped before the first door they saw.

"Here are your keys sirs. Enjoy your stay." The man told them, handing them a key each.

Kisame opened the door and stepped into the room. He threw his bag onto a bed and started unpacking while Itachi closed the door and looked out the window. The room had a pretty good view of the city, something they needed.

"Kisame."

"Yeah?"

"What time is it?"

"It's dinner time. Why?"

"Get your cloak and hat on, we're going out."

Kisame followed Itachi out of the inn and back onto the streets of Konoha. Now the sky is getting dark and the lights of food stalls and shops are on, lighting up the entire area.

"Where are we going to eat?" Kisame asked Itachi.

"We aren't going to eat. We are going to do research." Itachi replied.

Kisame stared at the back of Itachi's head, thinking that this was all a joke. It's already late in the evening and Itachi wants to go research.

"Where the hell are we going to find the Jinchuuriki anyway?" Kisame thought to himself.

Just then, Itachi pulled the collar of Kisame's Akatsuki cloak and pushes him into an alley.

"What are you-?"

Itachi mentioned for him to be quiet and pointed towards the two figures walking towards the Ichiraku ramen stall. It was Naruto and Itachi's brother: Sasuke.

"Hey Sasuke-teme, lets stop here for dinner." Naruto told Sasuke.

"Didn't we come here for that purpose dobe?" Sasuke snapped.

"Whatever. Hey old man! Two bowls of ramen!"

Itachi and Kisame stepped out of the alley and used a jutsu to change their appearance. They ordered two bowls of ramen and Itachi sat next to Sasuke. As the four of them ate their ramen, Kisame studied Itachi's expression. Even though Itachi didn't smile or frown, it was easy to tell what he was feeling by looking at his eyes.

"Ha… He is really happy just to have a meal with Sasuke again, even though Sasuke doesn't know it." Kisame thought to himself.

"Hey Sasuke-teme, why aren't you eating your ramen?" Naruto asked Sasuke.

"Cause, I just remembered something." Sasuke replied.

"What is it?"

"It's that dumb brother of mine's birthday."

Kisame quickly looked at Itachi again; he managed to see Itachi give a small smile before putting his mouth in a straight line again.

"So? I thought you hated him?" Naruto questioned him.

"Yeah, it'll be a real treat if he is sitting at home and waiting for me to kill him. But still, I gotta wish him a happy birthday even if he doesn't deserve it." Sasuke replied.

After leaving the ramen stall, Kisame could tell that Itachi's mood changed completely. His eyes softened and he allowed Kisame to walk near him.

"That's a present for you from your brother. Happy birthday Itachi." Kisame said.

The sharingan user just muttered a few words then kept quiet again. Kisame couldn't hear what he said as his words were slurred and the streets were too noisy. But he knew that to Itachi, today was one of the best days he had ever had in years, and it was thanks to a few sentences Sasuke said.

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ShadowTamerz: That was a nice birthday wasn't it Itachi?

Itachi: Whatever.

ShadowTamerz: You talk too little. Try to talk more will you?

Itachi: Hn...

ShadowTamerz: You're hopeless. Next, we have Deidara! Review please!


	5. Deidara's Birthday

**AN:** I would like to apologize to all of you who were waiting for the next fanficition to be uploaded in the series. After revisiting my account, I was surprised to receive 28 reviews for this series over the years. For the sake of all of you waiting for the completion of this series, I have finally decided to try and complete 'Akatsuki Birthdays' by the end of this year.

I will also be redoing the first four chapters of this series, because I can't stand my own poorly written fics from several years ago.

Now, for all the Deidara fans waiting out there, here it is. Please enjoy this fic I have written just for you.

**P.S.** If there are any grammar or spelling mistakes that hinder your reading, I do apologize. Don't hesitate to point them out if you wish. I welcome constructive criticisms. :)

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

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The weather forecast had promised him beautiful weather on the special day. He swore that the weather girl said something about 'cloudless skies' and 'a bright sun'. He was truly looking forward to having an awesome day. That was, until he was greeted with a huge thunderstorm when he woke up early in the morning.

Deidara sat up and stared at the window of his bedroom. With a loud groan, he fell back into his bed and pressed his pillow upon his head. Underneath it, he was cursing out loud: "Stupid weather forecast! I was hoping you'd be right this time! Cloudless skies and bright suns my ass! Fuck that stupid weather girl. I'm gonna blow up their fucking office if it's the last thing I-!"

He was interrupted by a loud knock on the door. Deidara threw the pillow off his face and shouted: "What?"

The door flew open. An energetic and hyperactive Tobi flew over and tackled him to the bed. Deidara could almost picture a huge grin behind that swirly orange mask. "Good morning Senpai! Isn't it a beautiful day?"

He threw Tobi off his bed. The orange masked man landed on the pillow Deidara previously threw, cushioning his fall. The blonde haired man sat up and glared at him. "It is not a beautiful day! Look at the weather un!"

Tobi turned to face the window, revealing dark gray skies and a heavy blanket of rain. He cocked his head to one side and said: "That's odd. The weather girl said that-"

He was interrupted by a flash of lighting streaking across the gray skies. Against the dark background, Deidara could clearly see the shape of the lighting bolt. It would've been beautiful if not for the deafening roar of thunder that accompanied it. Then, a panicking Tobi crashed into him, giving him a bone-crushing hug. "AH! It's going to hit us! Help Senpai!"

So much for an awesome day. "Tobi get the hell of me damn it! You're extremely heavy un!"

Once again, Tobi was tossed onto the floor. Deidara was now in a very bad mood. He stormed into his bathroom and began cussing as he washed up. A lousy weather forecast and an annoying comrade was not the best way to start the day. "This must be god's punishment for me killing too many people."

He kicked the bathroom door open after washing up, only to find Tobi still sprawled across the ground. He glanced at the second empty bed in his room before turning his attention back to Tobi. "Where's Sasori-danna un?"

"Sasori? He's in the workshop with his puppets. Senpai, breakfast is ready! Tobi made something special for you today!"

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "Huh? What un?"

Tobi pressed a finger to his mask, where his lips should be. "Tobi won't tell you! It's a surprise! Come with me Senpai!"

He then skipped down the hallway, occasionally looking over his shoulders to make sure Deidara was following him. The blonde simply sighed and followed his jovial companion.

It was his birthday, a day that Deidara had been looking forward to for the entire year. He was eagerly expecting at least a birthday greeting from all of his fellow members or, if he was lucky, a present. On the bright side, it would seem that Tobi remembered his birthday.

He followed Tobi towards the kitchen, greeted by the scent of milk and… Burnt bacon and toast?! The dining table was surrounded by fellow irritated members, who were eyeing a particular plate in disgust. Deidara could not decipher what was on that plate. There were so many black objects on top of each another. In fact, those objects littered black crumbs all over the white plate that held it. The only thing that seemed safe for consumption was the glass of milk standing next to it.

To his horror, Tobi stopped before that particular plate and cried out: "Tada! Here Senpai, this is Tobi's super special breakfast just for you! Happy birthday Senpai!"

Deidara was stunned. He was the only Akatsuki member in the entire kitchen who did not find it amusing. His irritation level soared significantly, but not to the point that he would start tearing Tobi apart. He simply took the glass of milk and said: "Thanks Tobi, but I'm not eating that crap. It's inedible. Thanks for the thought though un."

He then raised the glass to his lips. As he drank it, Tobi clapped his hands together. "It's okay then! Tobi even made a super special drink for you! Tobi used a blender to blend bananas, carrots, onions and eggs into a super special morning juice for Senpai!"

Deidara spat out whatever liquid was in his mouth immediately. He stared at the glass before glaring at Tobi. "YOU DID WHAT?!"

Being the oblivious, happy go lucky person Tobi was, the innocent man had absolutely no idea Deidara now held murderous intentions against him. What a normal person would've done was to keep quiet and apologize. What Tobi did was, as usual, make things worse. "Tobi knew that Senpai needed an energy drink to boost his strength for the day! But when Tobi blended those ingredients, the drink turned out yellowish-gray. So Tobi poured in cornstarch to make it look like milk! How does it taste Senpai?"

The glass holding the strange concoction slipped from Deidara's fingers and fell to the ground. It shattered into pieces, splaying the milky-substance all over the floor. Deidara was silent and still for a long moment. Even Tobi knew there was something wrong. "Uh… Senpai?"

He did not notice that the rest of the Akatsuki members were slowly making their way out of the kitchen. They were all too familiar with Deidara's tactic of 'the calm before the storm'. After the last Akatsuki member had left, Deidara exploded. "ARE YOU CRAZY UN?!"

The hideout seemed to tremble under the intensity of that rage. "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME OR SOMETHING? HOW CAN YOU FEED ME INEDIBLE STUFF AND CALL IT A PRESENT? DAMN IT TOBI, I'M GOING TO TEAR YOU APART FROM LIMB TO LIMB AND-"

Everyone listening to Deidara's rambling was surprised. Why did he suddenly stop shouting? The answer was clear when they heard a loud 'thump'. Then… "AAAAAAAH! HELP! SENPAI IS DEAD! SOMEBODY SAVE HIM! KAKUZU!"

Everyone standing outside the kitchen door turned to face Kakuzu, who was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He simply rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen, commanding Tobi to shut up or he'll sell him as a slave. Two Akatsuki members then went in to carry Deidara out of the kitchen and into Kakuzu's room for treatment.

Konan came to the scene after hearing all that racket. As she watched Deidara's limp body being carried out of the kitchen door, she kept silent. All she needed to do was to take care of the shattered glass and the strange liquid on the floor to understand what was going on. She shook her head. "It's not one of Deidara's best birthdays, is it?"

With that, she followed after Deidara into Kakuzu's room.

The blonde woke up with a huge headache and an aching tummy. It took him awhile to get a hold of himself and his surroundings. When he groaned in pain, a feminine voice asked: "Are you awake?"

Deidara turned to face Konan, who was watching him with an indifferent expression, as always. "Yeah, I'm fine Konan-san. W-Where am I un?"

"You're in Kakuzu's room. He administered treatment upon you almost immediately after you collapsed. He said that it was nothing major; it was just minor food poisoning."

Deidara groaned again as his stomach acted up. He clutched his stomach and rolled over in Kakuzu's bed. "Aww man… I feel really sick un."

Konan then added: "Kakuzu also mentioned that if you throw up, you're going to clean up and pay for a new bed, including bedsheets and whatever your vomit had touched."

Deidara closed his mouth at once. The blue haired woman then stood up from the chair she was sitting on. "Now that you are fine, I'm going to send you and Sasori on a mission."

The blonde looked up with a pained look on his face. "Konan-san, not now. Can't you see I'm-"

"Terminally ill? Yes, I suppose so. But if you have any objections, direct them to Pein, not me."

That name was enough to stop Deidara from complaining. As Konan gave him a short briefing on the mission, he did not pay much attention. He was miserable. "First a lousy weather forecast, then a deadly milkshake thing, and now a mission after waking up. This is the worst birthday I've ever had."

"-and you're to come back to the hideout immediately after the mission. Two days, no more. Get moving."

Then, she left the room.

Deidara grudgingly met up with Sasori, who was already seated within Hiruko outside the hideout. When the blonde opened the door and stepped out, Sasori wasted no time in criticizing him. "You're late you stupid brat. Honestly, I expect better from you after two whole years of working with me."

The blonde still had an arm around his stomach and was staggering to reach his Akatsuki partner. "Cut me some slack Danna. I was-"

"On your death bed? Back in one of my missions, I was pierced with more than twenty kunais and shurikens. I even had a huge hole in my chest. But I was still able to walk back to my room and pull those weapons out one by one."

"You're a puppet Danna-"

"Don't talk back to me! Look at you. You look like you're going to die any moment. Now come, we are running late."

Deidara's mood had hit rock bottom. It wasn't the worst birthday in his life. It was the worst day ever. "Will it kill to have a proper birthday for once?"

He followed Sasori to their destination, a beautiful village a hundred kilometers away from the hideout. But the heavy rain and dark clouds did nothing to lift his mood. He was soaked to the bone and shivering with cold. It did not help that his wet clothes were stuck to his skin. His feet were tired after travelling a hundred kilometers to reach this village. His stomach was occasionally giving sharp pains, thanks to Tobi's 'special' drink. Nothing could make him cheer up now.

Sasori led him into an inn that they would stay in for their two-day mission. Deidara dropped his bag onto the floor and headed straight for the bathroom; his stomach had been acting up throughout the entire journey. When he emerged, Sasori had already gotten out of his puppet. The handsome red headed man sat on his bed, leaving an empty Hiruko sitting next to the television. He looked up at Deidara and instructed: "Sit down. I'm going to give you a briefing of our mission tonight."

The blonde dragged his body over to his bed and collapsed onto the soft mattress. He was too exhausted to even think about the mission. He paid absolutely no attention to Sasori's words as he tried to ignore his aching stomach. Deidara only sat up when Sasori tossed him a box. It landed right onto his head, earning a loud 'OUCH' from him.

Deidara held onto the cheap paper box and looked up at Sasori. "What is this for un?"

"It's an important weapon for the mission. I want you to put it on now."

Deidara sighed. He opened the box and shifted through the layers of wrapping to find…

A tutu.

He stared. And stared. And stared. Then, "What the hell does this have to do with the fucking mission un?!"

Sasori's lips curled into a smile, the first one Deidara had seen in months. The last time he smiled was when Tobi got attacked by a whole hive of bees. It was the time when he told Tobi that he could get a rare diamond from the beehive. The reason he told Tobi such a thing was very simple: sheer boredom. He then said: "Didn't you listen to Konan when she was briefing you about the mission? We're going to assassinate the lead performer of 'Swan Lake' tonight. In order to get close to her, we need someone feminine-looking enough to disguise himself as one of the performers."

Deidara threw the box at him. "I'm not doing it damn it un!"

He had reached the breaking point. Why was life treating him this way? All he wanted was a happy and proper birthday! Before he could finally express the rage and frustration he had stored up in his heart, Sasori finally stood up and placed both hands upon his shoulders. "I was joking Deidara. Actually, there is no mission."

All that rage vanished in an instant. Deidara stared at his Akatsuki partner. "What?"

"This 'mission' is actually a surprise vacation for you. Leader-sama thought that it would be a good birthday present for you, considering all the work you've done for the past few years. Happy birthday Deidara, you earned this vacation."

All the misery he had felt for the entire day vanished. A strange, yet familiar feeling was returning to his heart. The angry and frustrated look on his face turned into one of genuine surprise. "… There's no mission? This really is a vacation un?"

Sasori nodded. "You can search Hiruko. You'll find no mission scroll inside him or on my person."

A wave of happiness washed over him. This was too good to be true. But as he laid eyes on the tutu, part of his happiness disappeared. He held it up and asked: "Then… What is this for un?"

Sasori's lips curled into a smile again. "That… would be my present for you. I expect you to wear it on my birthday Deidara."

All that rage somehow returned to Deidara again. As he began shouting as his Akatsuki partner, the smile did not vanish from Sasori's face. He simply crossed his arms and watched Deidara as though he was enjoying a comedy. Sasori's eyes briefly darted to Deidara's bed before returning to look at the blonde's angry expression once more. "I hope he looks underneath his bed afterwards."

Seven packages of different wrappings and sizes were hidden under Deidara's bed, waiting to be discovered by their owner. Sasori eventually grew tired of watching Deidara and turned his attention to the window. The gray skies were clearing up to reveal the bright sun and the cloudless skies. "Looks like life is granting him his wish after all. Happy birthday, Deidara."

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I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Will Deidara wear the tutu on Sasori's birthday? We'll find out in the next story.

Up next, Sasori's birthday.


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